goin' old school...

remember when we were in junior high and we always had those goofy polls? well i don't care that i am 35...here we go!!!

Making: a new bulletin/memo board

Cooking: taco night BABY!
Drinking: coke....shhhhhh dont tell
Reading: Diary of a mad, fat woman
Wanting: a date with my hubby
Looking:my sweet dog!
Playing: Uno with my 2 favorite guys
Wasting: plastic baggies!!! i actually just bought some reusable ones!! GO GREEN!
Sewing: only buttons!
Wishing: for my bday tomorrow....35...SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
Enjoying: a quiet house
Waiting: for my guys to get back from the Ranger game
Liking: scrapbook paper!!! i am a serious paper hoarder!!!

Wondering: what my next art project will be
Loving: my amazing husband and son!!
Hoping: happiness
Marvelling: how awesome my son is!
Needing: truly, nothing
Smelling: Yankee candle, "Buttercream"
Wearing: pajamas and a t-shirt - my at home uniform
Following: way too many blogs....
Noticing: that my face is still sunburned.....ouch
Knowing: that I am loved
Thinking: about where to go for my bday lunch with my dad tomorrow
Bookmarking: nada....have a kindle
Opening: my eyes
Giggling: my crazy friends

Feeling: happiness

YOUR TURN!!!

i am who you think i am

• i am a mother
• i am a wife
• i am a daughter
• i am a reader
• i am an avid junk tv watcher
• i love going to the movies alone
• i hate wearing shoes
• i go to target at least twice a week, Hobby Lobby at least once a week.
• i love to be hugged
• i love to hug
• i like sleep entirely WAY too much
• i am usually always on time
• i hate tardiness
• i am a craftaholic
• i am a dog lover
• i am not a fan of chocolate
• i like sour patch kids
• i like to cuddle
• i hate coffee
• i could watch my son play baseball for hours....and i have :)
• my husband is my best friend
• i have a really low tolerance for ignorant people
• i am a gay marriage advocate
• i have 2 gay siblings
• i love reading blogs
• i can't stand American Idol

just a little about me....

• 
  

i love you so bad...

do u ever look at your child (those of you with children) and just want to break down in tears because you are so happy that they are YOURS? is this a normal feeling? my son is 9, and just about the most amazing boy you will ever meet. i was watching him at his baseball game (he was pitching) and i had a lump the size of an orange in my throat!! i wanted to scream out "THATS MY BABY BOY"! but i refrained!! he would have not been pleased with me at all. i am not sure if it has anything to do with him being my only child or not?! all i know is that at night when i go check on him before i go to bed, my heart almost breaks with how big he is getting....but i look at his hands, he still has little boy hands. he still snuggles on the couch with me at night, he still wants to go places with me!! i am proud of the young man he is growing up to be, but can we just pause....for a little while.

i want to love you , and squeeze you and call you my own!

i can count the number of friends i would drop EVERYTHING for if they needed me on ONE hand.i'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. don't get me wrong. i have quite a few friends, just look at my facebook page...hahaha!! but there are a few that have reached into my heart, and have made a spot to call their very own. when you are my friend, i will love you with as much love as i am able to produce. i fully admit i am a needy person (#72615309 item for therapy). i am not really sure how i got this way. i feel that maybe i will be forgotten about, and then gone forever. i live in fear of being forgotten. when i was growing up, i remember getting ready for my dad to come pick me up for the weekend. i had my bag packed and my hair brushed, and even my lip gloss on. i was maybe 4 or 5, waiting is hard when your that age. after about 2 hours, my grandma had to come tell me that i wouldn't be seeing him that weekend.....he had forgotten, and made plans with his new girlfriend. that happened often. i remember being sad that my daddy forgot about me.

i don't want to be forgotten, and i try to show my friends that i do not ever forget about them. sometimes i know that can be super annoying...

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

i was asked today what i would say to my 8th grade self...

• you are beautiful
• you are worthy
• you are loved
• someone will come and save you, and his name will be Brian.
• you will survive this
• you are perfect JUST the way you are
• you were NOT a mistake
• i'm sorry you live with a monster
• this world has good things in store for you
• an angel will be given to you, and you will name him Carson.

i have a long journey ahead of me. i need to heal, and the first step is going back....it is hard to go back sometimes.

wounded child

that is what my new therapist called me today. i have never quite thought about it that way. she is right of course. when a child is growing up feeling as if they were a mistake, it tends to take a hold of your soul. i now know that i might have been a mistake (mom was 18 and my dad was 17) but it was a mistake my parents would gladly make again. i grew up in a household where alcohol consumed my step dad (still does) and the fights and yelling were weekly. he showered me with words made of knives, and they cut deep. i do not ever remember a kind word to pass his lips towards me, my mom or brothers. now don't get me wrong, when the liquor was flowing it could go either way. he would yell at everyone OR turn the music up way loud and demand me to sing. he would get mad when i would not want to participate...i was embarrassed...not only for me, but for the way he was acting. the one who was supposed to protect me and keep me from harm let me down. i felt that i was not worth fighting for. why would she let him treat her children this way? why doesn't she stick up for me? i know she saw me trembling when the yelling would start. why didn't she pull me closer and push him away?

so yes, i am a wounded child. but i will fix myself....oh yes i will.

my stomach controls my happiness

• when i am sad i wanna eat.
• when i am happy i wanna eat.
• when i am bored i wanna eat.
• when i wanna celebrate something amazing, i wanna eat.
• when something is scaring me, i wanna eat.
• when i am stressed, i wanna eat.
• when i know the weekend is coming up, i think about which places we can go eat.
• when it is late at night, and i know everyone is in bed....i wanna eat.
• writing this entry is making me wanna eat.

i know....i need a new hobby

i think i am....no, i KNOW i am

i am loved.

my son tells me i am be best mom in the world.

my husband laughs at my horrible jokes (sometimes).

i have a friends that tell me they love me.

i am loved.

my dogs look at me with their "i will follow you anywhere" look.

my mom tells me i am a good mother.

my dad tells me he is proud of me.

i am loved.

i look at my Mr and son playing catch and i know they both love me.

people love my cupcakes.

it is hard for me to say it, but I AM LOVED.

i like to do it lying down...

i start my new therapist in about a week. i am so happy, but also so scared. my husband does not want to see me being so mopey around the house. i try to be all smiles and rainbows for my boys, but they know something is wrong. i am anxious. i just want to go to the new dr and cry and scream and tell her all my problems, i don't wanna stop until i feel she know every tiny thing about me and my messed up ways my brain thinks. i wanna talk and talk until she knows every detail of all my friends and family. i want to ask her how i get the negative voices out of my head. i need her to fix my head so i can have the courage to fix the rest of me. i need to fix the rest of me. i need someone to BELIEVE in me. i need someone who wants good things for me. i need to learn how to forgive certain people and shut out others.i know,in order to grow as a better human i need to fix certain things. i need friends who i can count on....

just finished reading "The hangmans daughter" C+

truth

• tv makes me way to happy.
• just about as much as food.
• there are days when i don't get dressed.
• i have been known to get "headaches" when i don't want to leave the house.
• i like barry manilow
• my love for hello kitty can beat most 5 yr old girls.
• i enjoy going to the movies by myself.
• i LOVE musicals and anything Broadway!
• i can put ranch on just about anything.
• my favorites drink is coke....even though i limit it to once a week (give or take).
• i hate cooking.
• i love baking.
• i love seeing small dogs in clothes.
• i used to want to be a marine biologist.
• i have swam with Beluga whales (amazing)!
• i believe in equal human rights.
• i hope in my lifetime, i will get to see my brother and sister marry the ones they love(not to each other....ewwww).
• Oprah is my idol.

these are some of my truths...what are some of yours?

self esteem, you SUCK

so, i have had GAWD awful self esteem for as long as i can remember. i guess if i had to pick an age or grade it started, i would say 5th grade. MAN intermediate and middle school SUCKED!! the bus i rode picked up grades 5th-12th and would drop us off at our appropriate schools. the older kids were so mean to us younger ones. nothing outrageous, but mean none the less. always telling the girls we had flat chests (HELLO...5th grade)!! other obnoxious things like that would happen almost daily. and of course once we were actually dropped off at school, there were other assholes there! and the majority of the assholes were girls my age. that was when i knew i NEEDED keds,guess jeans, and a Liz Claiborn purse....STAT!! luckily (when i say luckily...i joke....i was hardly lucky) i had divorced parents. which means they would try to buy my love....or better yet, try to rid themselves of guilt. so even though i had all the same designer things all the other girls had, some were still such bitches! when i was in 8th grade things got a little better, but i thought i was a big fat pig....but i was normal. beautiful and normal. i so wish i could i could talk to 8th grade Mandy and tell her how beautiful and perfect she was. during my 8th grade yr i started dabbling in binging and purging (AKA bulimia). i hardly knew what i was doing at the time,other than the fact that i could not let myself get any fatter. that same year my mom put me in Weight Watchers.....yes in 8th grade! i was humiliated to be in a room full of over weight, middle aged housewives. i watched as my mom would weigh all my food and make me drink vinegar before meals (to "shrink" my stomach). that lasted for about 2 months. and i can not re collect many memories from that time period. at the end of 8th grade we had a dance....ugh.....the drama that came while trying to find a dress will forever be burned into my memory bank.

cut to high school...10th grade doing my first ever hit of acid (during school hours) my teachers would not have believed i was doing drugs.....even when i ran to my math teacher asking her "why am i on fire"!! i was still binging and purging, but i moved onto self mutilation as well. i would carve all over my arms and legs. i don't ever remember it hurting, but i don't remember it feeling a "release" either. i was sad...all the time. i felt fat and ugly. i had a few boyfriends in high school, but they were not beating down my door.

i met the love of my life in 12th grade. he told me i was beautiful and i tried to believe him....i still do (he is my husband now...we have been married for 12 yrs). but i have this voice constantly in my head that says awful things, all the time. sometimes i can ignore it,but as much as i beg it...and medicate, it will not shut up. i would love to love myself...but i can't, not yet anyway.

reading rainbow

i love reading.....i mean REALLY love reading. i have always loved reading since i was taught how. through high school i had WAY better things to do (or so i thought) than to actually pick up a book. i started really reading again when my son was about 6 months old. it was my escape. i have always suffered with depression, but i had MAJOR PPD! i would read 5-6 books a WEEK!!! all i was doing was taking care of my baby and reading...escaping into a world that was not my own. living vicariously through characters that had a better life that i did. this went on for about a yr or so. i finally started therapy again and she helped pull me out of the hole i was slipping down. since then i read as a normal person. maybe 2 or 3 books a month. it is hard for me to describe the feeling i get when i go on Amazon to download books to my kindle(my bff). it brings me joy. so for anyone who cares i shall now list some books that i have read. please feel free to leave any comments on book you think i should read. and yes i will grade them....that's how I roll!

• Water for Elephants A+
• The Help A++++
• The Glass Castle A+
• Room A+
• The Harry Potter series A+
• The Twilight series B+
• To Kill a Mockingbird A++++ (my ALL time favorite)
• Memoirs of a Geisha A++++
• Good in Bed A
• Porcupine A++++
• Sarah's Key A+
• The Hunger Games series A++++
• Little Bee B
• The Shack C
• Shanghai Girls A
• The Book Thief A
• Snow flower and the secret fan A
• Mommywood A
• Are you there vodka? It's me Chelsea A+
• Boy in the striped pajamas B+
• Handle with care B+
• House Rules A++++
• Cut B
• Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang A+
• Secrets in the Cellar A

HAPPY READING!!!!!

who what where when and why

i often wonder how i got here. not here here....just here, in this stage of my life. i wish that i had more energy, more power. forget it....i'm to tired to write this post. hopefully i will get back into the swing of things soon.

in search of a better me...

i'm sad....most days. i put on a smiley face for my son and brian. i am on a search for a new therapist. i went to amazing one a few yrs ago....but we all now how much health insurance sucks....so i had to drop her :( she helped me a lot. i am a terrible self talker, and it is never anything positive. i am a worrier...ALL THE TIME! i worry about common things such as, i hope my son is doing ok with his new dyslexia teacher,i hope he isn't getting sick,i hope my husband makes it home safely from work. but then i WORRY about things such as, is there a murderer in my dark hallway, someone will steal my child through his bedroom window....basically things that are way out of left field. my brain will not ever turn off!! i need to know how to calm the voices down and try to make some sense out of them. i have had weight issues since about the 8th grade...although i would LOVE to be the weight i was in HS. i went for a brief stay in rehab for bulimia and depression . i still struggle with both of those(not the bulimia part,just the weight issue) daily....i need help....now i am even more sad :(

i like it wet...

ok! i have been with out water for.....wait for it.....11 days!!! this is the second time in 2 months. the first time we were without it for 8 days. my dad (whom i love dearly) has a contracting company. so naturally he is the person i call when anything goes wrong construction wise. maybe he thinks it is really no a big deal to be with out water. i REALIZE that they have clients that have priority over me. but part of me is just really wanting my FREAKING water turned on!!

but see, this is how it has been most of my life. i am the oldest. my parents divorced when i was 3. they each went on to re marry. my mom had 2 more kids(2 sons) and my dad and step mom had 3 more kids (1 sister and 2 brothers). i have always been the good and quiet one(except for a little rehab stay in HS, which i did for ATTENTION!!! i met an amazing man(HS sweetheart) and had a amazing little boy. my dad has NEVER called just to check on me (or his only grandchild). and now my mom only calls to bitch about her husband. 2 of my siblings have struggled with addiction, have been in jail(numerous times), wrecked several cars...i sit back watching and observing, throwing my two cents in when i feel like it. i always feel like i would have gotten more attention if i was tossed in jail or addicted to drugs. i always feel like they think "oh,she is so mature and level headed we don't need to worry about her". well sometimes i wish i was worried about!!! i know i have truly nothing really to complain about....except that i have NO FLIPPING WATER!!

please excuse my rant...

it's been a mighty long time...

holy cow!!! i really did not realize that it has been 3 yrs since my last blog post. i guess i should just write this for me and not expect to get any readers...that is ok! i will give this another spin and see where it takes me. a friend of mine started one and it made me want to revisit! i may not share my deepest and darkest secrets (AND i might....stay tuned) but i will share things and people that inspire me, yummy cupcakes and awesome crafts!