wounded child

that is what my new therapist called me today. i have never quite thought about it that way. she is right of course. when a child is growing up feeling as if they were a mistake, it tends to take a hold of your soul. i now know that i might have been a mistake (mom was 18 and my dad was 17) but it was a mistake my parents would gladly make again. i grew up in a household where alcohol consumed my step dad (still does) and the fights and yelling were weekly. he showered me with words made of knives, and they cut deep. i do not ever remember a kind word to pass his lips towards me, my mom or brothers. now don't get me wrong, when the liquor was flowing it could go either way. he would yell at everyone OR turn the music up way loud and demand me to sing. he would get mad when i would not want to participate...i was embarrassed...not only for me, but for the way he was acting. the one who was supposed to protect me and keep me from harm let me down. i felt that i was not worth fighting for. why would she let him treat her children this way? why doesn't she stick up for me? i know she saw me trembling when the yelling would start. why didn't she pull me closer and push him away?

so yes, i am a wounded child. but i will fix myself....oh yes i will.