goin' old school...

remember when we were in junior high and we always had those goofy polls? well i don't care that i am 35...here we go!!!

Making: a new bulletin/memo board

Cooking: taco night BABY!
Drinking: coke....shhhhhh dont tell
Reading: Diary of a mad, fat woman
Wanting: a date with my hubby
Looking:my sweet dog!
Playing: Uno with my 2 favorite guys
Wasting: plastic baggies!!! i actually just bought some reusable ones!! GO GREEN!
Sewing: only buttons!
Wishing: for my bday tomorrow....35...SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
Enjoying: a quiet house
Waiting: for my guys to get back from the Ranger game
Liking: scrapbook paper!!! i am a serious paper hoarder!!!

Wondering: what my next art project will be
Loving: my amazing husband and son!!
Hoping: happiness
Marvelling: how awesome my son is!
Needing: truly, nothing
Smelling: Yankee candle, "Buttercream"
Wearing: pajamas and a t-shirt - my at home uniform
Following: way too many blogs....
Noticing: that my face is still sunburned.....ouch
Knowing: that I am loved
Thinking: about where to go for my bday lunch with my dad tomorrow
Bookmarking: nada....have a kindle
Opening: my eyes
Giggling: my crazy friends

Feeling: happiness

YOUR TURN!!!

i am who you think i am

• i am a mother
• i am a wife
• i am a daughter
• i am a reader
• i am an avid junk tv watcher
• i love going to the movies alone
• i hate wearing shoes
• i go to target at least twice a week, Hobby Lobby at least once a week.
• i love to be hugged
• i love to hug
• i like sleep entirely WAY too much
• i am usually always on time
• i hate tardiness
• i am a craftaholic
• i am a dog lover
• i am not a fan of chocolate
• i like sour patch kids
• i like to cuddle
• i hate coffee
• i could watch my son play baseball for hours....and i have :)
• my husband is my best friend
• i have a really low tolerance for ignorant people
• i am a gay marriage advocate
• i have 2 gay siblings
• i love reading blogs
• i can't stand American Idol

just a little about me....

• 
  

i love you so bad...

do u ever look at your child (those of you with children) and just want to break down in tears because you are so happy that they are YOURS? is this a normal feeling? my son is 9, and just about the most amazing boy you will ever meet. i was watching him at his baseball game (he was pitching) and i had a lump the size of an orange in my throat!! i wanted to scream out "THATS MY BABY BOY"! but i refrained!! he would have not been pleased with me at all. i am not sure if it has anything to do with him being my only child or not?! all i know is that at night when i go check on him before i go to bed, my heart almost breaks with how big he is getting....but i look at his hands, he still has little boy hands. he still snuggles on the couch with me at night, he still wants to go places with me!! i am proud of the young man he is growing up to be, but can we just pause....for a little while.

i want to love you , and squeeze you and call you my own!

i can count the number of friends i would drop EVERYTHING for if they needed me on ONE hand.i'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. don't get me wrong. i have quite a few friends, just look at my facebook page...hahaha!! but there are a few that have reached into my heart, and have made a spot to call their very own. when you are my friend, i will love you with as much love as i am able to produce. i fully admit i am a needy person (#72615309 item for therapy). i am not really sure how i got this way. i feel that maybe i will be forgotten about, and then gone forever. i live in fear of being forgotten. when i was growing up, i remember getting ready for my dad to come pick me up for the weekend. i had my bag packed and my hair brushed, and even my lip gloss on. i was maybe 4 or 5, waiting is hard when your that age. after about 2 hours, my grandma had to come tell me that i wouldn't be seeing him that weekend.....he had forgotten, and made plans with his new girlfriend. that happened often. i remember being sad that my daddy forgot about me.

i don't want to be forgotten, and i try to show my friends that i do not ever forget about them. sometimes i know that can be super annoying...

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

i was asked today what i would say to my 8th grade self...

• you are beautiful
• you are worthy
• you are loved
• someone will come and save you, and his name will be Brian.
• you will survive this
• you are perfect JUST the way you are
• you were NOT a mistake
• i'm sorry you live with a monster
• this world has good things in store for you
• an angel will be given to you, and you will name him Carson.

i have a long journey ahead of me. i need to heal, and the first step is going back....it is hard to go back sometimes.

wounded child

that is what my new therapist called me today. i have never quite thought about it that way. she is right of course. when a child is growing up feeling as if they were a mistake, it tends to take a hold of your soul. i now know that i might have been a mistake (mom was 18 and my dad was 17) but it was a mistake my parents would gladly make again. i grew up in a household where alcohol consumed my step dad (still does) and the fights and yelling were weekly. he showered me with words made of knives, and they cut deep. i do not ever remember a kind word to pass his lips towards me, my mom or brothers. now don't get me wrong, when the liquor was flowing it could go either way. he would yell at everyone OR turn the music up way loud and demand me to sing. he would get mad when i would not want to participate...i was embarrassed...not only for me, but for the way he was acting. the one who was supposed to protect me and keep me from harm let me down. i felt that i was not worth fighting for. why would she let him treat her children this way? why doesn't she stick up for me? i know she saw me trembling when the yelling would start. why didn't she pull me closer and push him away?

so yes, i am a wounded child. but i will fix myself....oh yes i will.

my stomach controls my happiness

• when i am sad i wanna eat.
• when i am happy i wanna eat.
• when i am bored i wanna eat.
• when i wanna celebrate something amazing, i wanna eat.
• when something is scaring me, i wanna eat.
• when i am stressed, i wanna eat.
• when i know the weekend is coming up, i think about which places we can go eat.
• when it is late at night, and i know everyone is in bed....i wanna eat.
• writing this entry is making me wanna eat.

i know....i need a new hobby