my stomach controls my happiness

• when i am sad i wanna eat.
• when i am happy i wanna eat.
• when i am bored i wanna eat.
• when i wanna celebrate something amazing, i wanna eat.
• when something is scaring me, i wanna eat.
• when i am stressed, i wanna eat.
• when i know the weekend is coming up, i think about which places we can go eat.
• when it is late at night, and i know everyone is in bed....i wanna eat.
• writing this entry is making me wanna eat.

i know....i need a new hobby

i think i am....no, i KNOW i am

i am loved.

my son tells me i am be best mom in the world.

my husband laughs at my horrible jokes (sometimes).

i have a friends that tell me they love me.

i am loved.

my dogs look at me with their "i will follow you anywhere" look.

my mom tells me i am a good mother.

my dad tells me he is proud of me.

i am loved.

i look at my Mr and son playing catch and i know they both love me.

people love my cupcakes.

it is hard for me to say it, but I AM LOVED.

i like to do it lying down...

i start my new therapist in about a week. i am so happy, but also so scared. my husband does not want to see me being so mopey around the house. i try to be all smiles and rainbows for my boys, but they know something is wrong. i am anxious. i just want to go to the new dr and cry and scream and tell her all my problems, i don't wanna stop until i feel she know every tiny thing about me and my messed up ways my brain thinks. i wanna talk and talk until she knows every detail of all my friends and family. i want to ask her how i get the negative voices out of my head. i need her to fix my head so i can have the courage to fix the rest of me. i need to fix the rest of me. i need someone to BELIEVE in me. i need someone who wants good things for me. i need to learn how to forgive certain people and shut out others.i know,in order to grow as a better human i need to fix certain things. i need friends who i can count on....

just finished reading "The hangmans daughter" C+

truth

• tv makes me way to happy.
• just about as much as food.
• there are days when i don't get dressed.
• i have been known to get "headaches" when i don't want to leave the house.
• i like barry manilow
• my love for hello kitty can beat most 5 yr old girls.
• i enjoy going to the movies by myself.
• i LOVE musicals and anything Broadway!
• i can put ranch on just about anything.
• my favorites drink is coke....even though i limit it to once a week (give or take).
• i hate cooking.
• i love baking.
• i love seeing small dogs in clothes.
• i used to want to be a marine biologist.
• i have swam with Beluga whales (amazing)!
• i believe in equal human rights.
• i hope in my lifetime, i will get to see my brother and sister marry the ones they love(not to each other....ewwww).
• Oprah is my idol.

these are some of my truths...what are some of yours?

self esteem, you SUCK

so, i have had GAWD awful self esteem for as long as i can remember. i guess if i had to pick an age or grade it started, i would say 5th grade. MAN intermediate and middle school SUCKED!! the bus i rode picked up grades 5th-12th and would drop us off at our appropriate schools. the older kids were so mean to us younger ones. nothing outrageous, but mean none the less. always telling the girls we had flat chests (HELLO...5th grade)!! other obnoxious things like that would happen almost daily. and of course once we were actually dropped off at school, there were other assholes there! and the majority of the assholes were girls my age. that was when i knew i NEEDED keds,guess jeans, and a Liz Claiborn purse....STAT!! luckily (when i say luckily...i joke....i was hardly lucky) i had divorced parents. which means they would try to buy my love....or better yet, try to rid themselves of guilt. so even though i had all the same designer things all the other girls had, some were still such bitches! when i was in 8th grade things got a little better, but i thought i was a big fat pig....but i was normal. beautiful and normal. i so wish i could i could talk to 8th grade Mandy and tell her how beautiful and perfect she was. during my 8th grade yr i started dabbling in binging and purging (AKA bulimia). i hardly knew what i was doing at the time,other than the fact that i could not let myself get any fatter. that same year my mom put me in Weight Watchers.....yes in 8th grade! i was humiliated to be in a room full of over weight, middle aged housewives. i watched as my mom would weigh all my food and make me drink vinegar before meals (to "shrink" my stomach). that lasted for about 2 months. and i can not re collect many memories from that time period. at the end of 8th grade we had a dance....ugh.....the drama that came while trying to find a dress will forever be burned into my memory bank.

cut to high school...10th grade doing my first ever hit of acid (during school hours) my teachers would not have believed i was doing drugs.....even when i ran to my math teacher asking her "why am i on fire"!! i was still binging and purging, but i moved onto self mutilation as well. i would carve all over my arms and legs. i don't ever remember it hurting, but i don't remember it feeling a "release" either. i was sad...all the time. i felt fat and ugly. i had a few boyfriends in high school, but they were not beating down my door.

i met the love of my life in 12th grade. he told me i was beautiful and i tried to believe him....i still do (he is my husband now...we have been married for 12 yrs). but i have this voice constantly in my head that says awful things, all the time. sometimes i can ignore it,but as much as i beg it...and medicate, it will not shut up. i would love to love myself...but i can't, not yet anyway.

reading rainbow

i love reading.....i mean REALLY love reading. i have always loved reading since i was taught how. through high school i had WAY better things to do (or so i thought) than to actually pick up a book. i started really reading again when my son was about 6 months old. it was my escape. i have always suffered with depression, but i had MAJOR PPD! i would read 5-6 books a WEEK!!! all i was doing was taking care of my baby and reading...escaping into a world that was not my own. living vicariously through characters that had a better life that i did. this went on for about a yr or so. i finally started therapy again and she helped pull me out of the hole i was slipping down. since then i read as a normal person. maybe 2 or 3 books a month. it is hard for me to describe the feeling i get when i go on Amazon to download books to my kindle(my bff). it brings me joy. so for anyone who cares i shall now list some books that i have read. please feel free to leave any comments on book you think i should read. and yes i will grade them....that's how I roll!

• Water for Elephants A+
• The Help A++++
• The Glass Castle A+
• Room A+
• The Harry Potter series A+
• The Twilight series B+
• To Kill a Mockingbird A++++ (my ALL time favorite)
• Memoirs of a Geisha A++++
• Good in Bed A
• Porcupine A++++
• Sarah's Key A+
• The Hunger Games series A++++
• Little Bee B
• The Shack C
• Shanghai Girls A
• The Book Thief A
• Snow flower and the secret fan A
• Mommywood A
• Are you there vodka? It's me Chelsea A+
• Boy in the striped pajamas B+
• Handle with care B+
• House Rules A++++
• Cut B
• Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang A+
• Secrets in the Cellar A

HAPPY READING!!!!!