who what where when and why

i often wonder how i got here. not here here....just here, in this stage of my life. i wish that i had more energy, more power. forget it....i'm to tired to write this post. hopefully i will get back into the swing of things soon.

in search of a better me...

i'm sad....most days. i put on a smiley face for my son and brian. i am on a search for a new therapist. i went to amazing one a few yrs ago....but we all now how much health insurance sucks....so i had to drop her :( she helped me a lot. i am a terrible self talker, and it is never anything positive. i am a worrier...ALL THE TIME! i worry about common things such as, i hope my son is doing ok with his new dyslexia teacher,i hope he isn't getting sick,i hope my husband makes it home safely from work. but then i WORRY about things such as, is there a murderer in my dark hallway, someone will steal my child through his bedroom window....basically things that are way out of left field. my brain will not ever turn off!! i need to know how to calm the voices down and try to make some sense out of them. i have had weight issues since about the 8th grade...although i would LOVE to be the weight i was in HS. i went for a brief stay in rehab for bulimia and depression . i still struggle with both of those(not the bulimia part,just the weight issue) daily....i need help....now i am even more sad :(

i like it wet...

ok! i have been with out water for.....wait for it.....11 days!!! this is the second time in 2 months. the first time we were without it for 8 days. my dad (whom i love dearly) has a contracting company. so naturally he is the person i call when anything goes wrong construction wise. maybe he thinks it is really no a big deal to be with out water. i REALIZE that they have clients that have priority over me. but part of me is just really wanting my FREAKING water turned on!!

but see, this is how it has been most of my life. i am the oldest. my parents divorced when i was 3. they each went on to re marry. my mom had 2 more kids(2 sons) and my dad and step mom had 3 more kids (1 sister and 2 brothers). i have always been the good and quiet one(except for a little rehab stay in HS, which i did for ATTENTION!!! i met an amazing man(HS sweetheart) and had a amazing little boy. my dad has NEVER called just to check on me (or his only grandchild). and now my mom only calls to bitch about her husband. 2 of my siblings have struggled with addiction, have been in jail(numerous times), wrecked several cars...i sit back watching and observing, throwing my two cents in when i feel like it. i always feel like i would have gotten more attention if i was tossed in jail or addicted to drugs. i always feel like they think "oh,she is so mature and level headed we don't need to worry about her". well sometimes i wish i was worried about!!! i know i have truly nothing really to complain about....except that i have NO FLIPPING WATER!!

please excuse my rant...

it's been a mighty long time...

holy cow!!! i really did not realize that it has been 3 yrs since my last blog post. i guess i should just write this for me and not expect to get any readers...that is ok! i will give this another spin and see where it takes me. a friend of mine started one and it made me want to revisit! i may not share my deepest and darkest secrets (AND i might....stay tuned) but i will share things and people that inspire me, yummy cupcakes and awesome crafts!